Forgiveness: A Gift of Love During the Holidays

“There is no love without forgiveness, and there is no forgiveness without love.”
~Bryant H. McGill

The holidays can be a deeply meaningful time, filled with light, connection, and celebration. For many, this season brings joy, comfort, and nostalgia. Yet for others—and often for most of us in different ways—it also stirs complex emotions. As we gather with family, reconnect with friends, and reflect on the year gone by, the season can stir old wounds and bring unresolved tensions to light. We may feel hurt, angry, disappointed, or resentful. Sometimes the people closest to our hearts are the ones who have caused the deepest pain.

Feeling this way does not mean something is wrong with you. It simply means you are deeply human.

Our brains are wired to notice contrast, the light against the darkness, the joyful against the tender. So while the brightness of the holidays often shimmer with celebration, connection, and warmth, they also have a way of illuminating what feels tender and unresolved within us. The very moments meant to bring joy can quietly remind us of our hurts: the conversations that never found closure, the losses that still linger, the expectations that went unmet. The season’s glow heightens our joys and it can also bring our aches into sharper focus.

If you are hurting this season, our invitation is to allow yourself to honor it. Offering yourself permission to feel what you are feeling, and doing your best to meet your experience with honesty and compassion. Sometimes simply acknowledging the pain without judgment or resistance is the first brave step toward healing.

The Role of Blame: Turning the Gaze Inward

During moments of hurt, it is easy and deeply human to point outward.

• He should have done this.

• She shouldn’t have said that.

• If only they would change…

• If they really cared, they would’ve…

• Why can’t they just…

• If circumstances were different, I could finally…

• If they would just understand, everything would change.

Blame can feel like it offers clarity or control, but often it keeps us stuck. It directs our energy toward what we cannot control while pulling our attention away from what we can, which is our own healing, boundaries, and choices.

Blame can also feel simpler and safer than looking inward. It protects our self-image, spares us uncomfortable feelings like guilt or shame, and lets us avoid responsibility for change. Oftentimes, focusing on others can feel easier than facing the ways we may have failed ourselves, the choices we regret, or the unnecessary suffering we’ve allowed in our own lives.

There is an old saying: When we point one finger outward [in blame], three fingers point back at us. This is often overlooked. We can be so focused on the wrongs we perceive in others that we fail to notice how we may be hurting ourselves: the judgments we carry, the stories we tell ourselves, and the weight we place on our own hearts.

Recognizing the three fingers pointing back is not about redirecting the blame to ourselves; rather it is an invitation for awareness. It encourages us to pause, soften, and turn inward:

• What is this reaction showing me about my unmet needs?

• What part of me is asking for attention, care, or healing?

• Is there something I can take responsibility for, not to punish myself, but to empower myself?

Shifting the focus inward does not mean excusing harm done by others. It means reclaiming our agency. It means recognizing that peace begins within us, not outside of us. By noticing the ways we hurt ourselves, we can begin to lighten that burden and take the first steps toward genuine healing.

An Invitation to Notice What Remains Good

When resentment, anger, or disappointment feel loud, our attention naturally narrows. The mind circles around what went wrong, what hurt, or what feels unresolved. This is understandable; our nervous systems are wired to protect us by focusing on threat.

And sometimes, healing begins not by fixing or analyzing the pain, but by gently widening the lens.

If it feels accessible, try inviting your attention (even if it’s just for a moment) to anything you can appreciate. This isn’t about denying what hurts or forcing positivity. It’s simply about allowing space for more than one truth to exist at the same time.

You might notice:

• A moment of warmth or comfort

• A person, memory, or relationship that feels supportive

• The steadiness of your breath or the ground beneath you

• Something small and ordinary that brings ease

• Maybe even a pleasant or positive quality about the person associated with the pain

Appreciation doesn’t erase pain, but it can soften its edges. It reminds us that even alongside hurt, there may still be connection, beauty, or goodness present. From this wider view, the nervous system often settles, and forgiveness, or at least a soft opening, can begin to feel more possible.

The Softening: Beginning the Journey Toward Forgiveness

Forgiveness rarely happens in one sweeping moment. Instead, it begins with a gentle softening, an easing around the tight places inside us.

This softening might mean:

• Releasing tension held in the body when difficult memories arise

• Loosening the stories, judgments, or criticisms we’ve carried for years

• Putting down the “armor” we have used to shield ourselves from pain

• Recognizing that all people, including ourselves, make mistakes

• Allowing space around the pain rather than gripping it tightly or pushing it away

Forgiveness is rarely linear. It ebbs and flows, happening little by little. One day you may feel spaciousness; the next day, everything may feel tight again. This is part of the process. Patience and compassion for both yourself and others is the nurturing soil in which forgiveness grows.

A well-known proverb reminds us: “Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” Resentment harms us long before it harms anyone else. Forgiveness, then, becomes an act of freeing ourselves from the weight we’ve been carrying.

Like mindfulness, forgiveness takes practice and its benefits don’t appear overnight. Slowly, over time, the grip of resentment or anger may start to loosen. What once felt all consuming may become something that we can hold without becoming overwhelmed. Gradually the heart learns to let go.

What Forgiveness Is - And What It Isn’t

Forgiveness is often misunderstood. It is not excusing harm, minimizing experience, pretending the pain never happened, or saying that what caused the hurt was acceptable. It is not about condoning or forgetting, nor does it require reconciling with someone who has caused you harm, or continuing a relationship that is unsafe or unhealthy. It is not weakness or passivity; it is not giving up your power.

We often assume that to forgive means to forgive completely; 100%, with no trace of hurt or resentment remaining. This belief can leave us feeling stuck, as if we are failing when our hearts still carry pain. In reality, forgiveness is rarely absolute. Sometimes we forgive partially, and that is enough; sometimes we return to forgiveness again and again as old memories or emotions resurface. Understanding forgiveness as a practice, rather than a perfect end state, allows us to move forward without self-judgment and embrace the slow, often nonlinear path toward healing.

At its heart, forgiveness is the act of releasing the poison we carry within. It creates space to act in accordance with our deepest values, even when doing so feels difficult. Clinging to mistakes, perceived wrongs, or past hurts—whether toward others or ourselves—can subtly shape our actions, leading us to behave in ways that conflict with the person we want to be. This resistance can take many forms: bitterness, lingering grudges, a desire for revenge, or persistent self-condemnation. Forgiveness offers a way to step out of these patterns, untangle from the weight of the past, and live with greater integrity, compassion, and freedom.

Forgiveness doesn’t erase imperfections; it invites love and respect to coexist with them.

Forgiveness also doesn’t have to feel a certain way. For some, forgiveness may coincide with sensations of warmth and ease; while for others, forgiveness may be experienced alongside fatigue and frustration. No one particular experience is right or wrong, so we invite you to simply notice what forgiveness feels like for you moment by moment. Recognizing that forgiveness may be experienced differently depending on the day, week, month, or year.

The Often-Forgotten Piece: Forgiving Ourselves

It is common to talk about forgiving others, but we often overlook the importance of self-forgiveness.

Self-forgiveness is rarely simple. It isn’t just about saying, “It’s okay” to mistakes or missteps. It can be deeper and more layered:

• Forgiving ourselves for not being, doing, or saying “enough”.

• Forgiving our bodies for not functioning the way they once did, or the way we wish they did.

• Forgiving ourselves for choices we made years ago—sometimes because we didn’t know better; other times because we did, and we acted anyway.

• Forgiving ourselves for decisions that seemed right at the time but ultimately caused pain, disappointment, or loss.

• Forgiving ourselves for believing false narratives or conditioning—stories we told ourselves about who we are, what we deserve, or how life “should” be—that may have misguided our actions or limited our growth.

• Forgiving the unhelpful reactive thinking and behavior patterns we may often find ourselves in.

• Forgiving ourselves for not knowing what to do, or realizing it too late.

Humans are naturally self-critical. We replay past mistakes, second-guess our decisions, and hold ourselves to impossible standards. Yet choosing to forgive ourselves when we have fallen short does not mean excusing what happened. It means offering ourselves the same compassion we would extend to a dear friend. We can begin to recognize that being human means making mistakes, and that each misstep can serve as a guidepost, pointing the way toward greater growth, insight, and freedom.

Self-forgiveness unfolds gradually, with practice, patience, and intention. Over time, we may find a quiet release in accepting the totality of our own story and begin meeting ourselves with the kindness and care that we so deserve.

Ways to Practice Forgiveness

Forgiveness is a process, and there’s no single “right” way to approach it. Here are some gentle resources to guide you if you’re feeling ready:

• Practicing repetition: There may be a moment of forgiveness, and later memories, emotions, or events connected to the same past hurt may resurface. When this happens, forgiveness can be practiced again and again. Like gently bringing your attention back when it wanders, each return is part of the practice.

• Acknowledging your feelings: Taking time to validate any hurt, resentments, or disappointments present without needing to change them or make them go away.

• Noticing physical sensations: Taking time to tune into the body and noticing any physical sensations that are associated with your hurt.

• Seeking understanding: Perhaps reflecting on the situation and trying to view things from the other persons perspective. Perhaps considering: What do I/they want and need? This doesn’t excuse harm; it simply helps build awareness and empathy.

• Inviting space: Inviting a sense of spaciousness around the physical pain, narratives, or feelings present. Noticing any recurring patterns in how you carry these experiences.

• Exploring common humanity: Remembering that making mistakes is part of being human. You, and everyone around you, are more than any one misstep, and your value isn’t determined by your worst moments or mistakes.

• Letting go when you’re ready: Remembering there’s no need to force anything; forgiveness unfolds in its own time.

• Allowing it to be gradual: Forgiveness does not often happen all at once. Small steps count.

• Practicing self-compassion: Remembering that forgiveness is not easy. Offering yourself the patience, kindness, and care you need along the way.

A Holiday Gift That Costs Nothing

This holiday season, consider giving the gift of forgiveness, whether to a loved one or to yourself. This gift costs nothing, but is profound. It frees you and others from the weight of the past. It can transform relationships, lighten hearts, and bring a deeper sense of peace.

Remembering that forgiveness is not a destination you must arrive at, but a practice you cultivate over time. It asks only for your willingness to return again and again with honesty, compassion, and care.

Each moment you choose to soften, to turn inward with curiosity rather than judgment, you create space for healing. Not the kind that erases pain, but the kind that allows you to carry it with greater ease, wisdom, and grace. Over time, what once felt heavy may begin to feel lighter. What once held you tightly may loosen its grip.

This holiday season, may you offer yourself permission to move at your own pace. May you trust that even the smallest acts of forgiveness toward yourself or others are meaningful. And may you remember that peace is not found in perfection, but in the courage to meet your life as it is, with an open heart.

Forgiveness is an act of love. And every time you practice it, you take one step closer to the freedom, alignment, and peace you deserve.